We Need To Talk (Maybe)

FINANCIAL PLANNERS – At what point does Financial Planning become relationship counselling? 

Let’s face it, if you’re working with a couple discussing their hopes, dreams for the future, and helping them define their ideal life and lifestyle, it’s unlikely you’ll get identical answers. 

Sometimes they share a vision, but often there’s a disconnect between their ideal plans. 

So, what to do? 

Our first job is to listen, and then diagnose which scenario you are facing. 

At first glance, and in the cut and thrust of an emotional coaching session, they may seem similar. But there are three distinct levels of relationship disconnects – each with crucial differences. 

1. Different Lives – Both clients are very different people, with very different lives and a very different outlook on what a great day looks like.  But that’s OK because their relationship is built on those differences.
   
   ‘Opposites attract’ as they say.
   
   Each day they go out and do what they do, and on an evening, they have something to talk about. They bring something to each other and accept their differences as a strength. Our job is to incorporate both sets of wants and needs into the plan so that the combined relationship is nourished. Rather than two separate plans, we create one that represents both their wants, needs, and ideals.
2. Separate Lives– Two fish living different days in the same pond is one thing, but what happens when one fish wants to live in another pond? People’s thoughts and future plans can often be very diverse. As relationships evolve, the strongest ones adapt to changes in their environment. But what if there’s a fundamental disconnect? One person may envision a life in Australia while the other stays to care for an ailing relative. Another might aspire to a city career in later life while their partner dreams of retiring to a cottage in the hills. Something has to give, and it may be the relationship.That’s their choice to make. Your job is to explain that you can’t fix it with a cash flow model.In this situation we need to refer to a professional colleague who can help with mediation and, if it comes to it, the legal process. We should stay involved and assist in the preparation of two different plans for each person respectively.Often, the process can be amicable, and you end up with two new clients, each with a Financial Plan that works.Far better than mindlessly creating a plan for a couple that only works on paper and perpetuates their illusion that their oil and water can be combined. 
3. Broken Lives – We’ve all had a session where it’s clear that the relationship either is, or should be, over. There’s a seething resentment that’s gone beyond simple relationship problems and settled into an acceptance that the love has gone, and they just need to grit their teeth and get through life alive. That might work on a normal day when conversations can be kept shallow, and issues silently danced around. But here you are, asking probing questions, tugging at the seams and sooner or later all the unsaid things are going to come out. Sometimes it’s a tsunami, sometimes it’s the drip drop of Chinese water torture, but it’s clear that it’s too far gone and definitely not something that you’re going to resolve with a Switch Analysis and a Suitability Report. Don’t try to fix it.You can’t – they must go on their own journey and come to their own realisations that the relationship is broken.Refer them to counselling or mediation and encourage them to come back to you in the future if they wish.Most of the time they’ll ignore you and go back to their broken lives, preferring the familiar, day-to-day shallow pain rather than the prospect of diving into the short term turmoil and deep pain of a separation.That’s OK, it’s not your battle to fight and even if you did – there’s nothing to win until they’ve each travelled their own path.

   Occasionally, you’ll get a phone call a year or two down the line from one of them wanting to work with you to develop a plan for their new life.

   You have a new client with a clean slate and a bond of trust. 

Three diverse circumstances categorised as ‘relationship issues’ demand distinct solutions and outcomes for you and your clients. Assuming you can pause your focus on cash flow models to listen, diagnose, and guide. 

Not everything in life can be fixed. 

Nor does it need to be. 

And definitely not by you.

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